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If I Forgive


  • "If I Forgive" comes as a beautifully bound hardcover book with artwork, lyrics and story for each song, along with a CD. All artwork and text by Alex St Joan.
    ships out within 2 days
    edition of 100 

      €20 EUR or more 


  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      €10 EUR  or more


I gave up the gun I let the bloody waters run I carved up the space Wiped the smile off my - I took down the sword Killed myself to collect the reward You like the cut of my jib? Well, it’s all up for dibs now Oh my stars! We love plain and simple Oh my sun! We were born to be gentle I won the toss And sold it for the biggest loss And oh, the weight of the prize The bullets, the battle cries I called out a name And nobody, nobody came And no, not even I knew Who I was calling Oh my stars! We love plain and simple Oh my sun! We were born to be gentle Oh my stars! We love plain and simple Oh my sun! We were born to be gentle I gave in to it I let it all be torn to bits For the fight was the fall The letting go of it all And I was amazed As I lay in a broken daze At the scope of the sky The light, the light, the light
If I Forgive 04:07
We’ve unpacked this baggage before Spread the pieces all across the floor If I forgive you, will you forgive yourself? If I forgive you, can you forgive yourself? Living in a hurricane in the eye of the storm When the roof gets blown away, where do you run? If I forgive you, will you forgive yourself? If I forgive you, can you forgive yourself? The very act of living is one of thievery See how we hold out our hearts as if we cannot bleed If I forgive you Will you? Will you? If I forgive you, will you forgive yourself? If I forgive you, can you forgive yourself?
O Jupiter 05:34
O love, come, the light is done The night’s uncovered its diamonds Climb the spiral staircase higher Call the old gods to come and hold us O Jupiter, your moons and her Half-faded out of sight, of sight and sound O Jupiter, your room of worlds We fold the light into the night O love, see the filigree As our eyes conceive of Ganymede Cast our dice into the silence Of Io’s lair and fall into the air Of Jupiter, your moons and her How fine a thread across the firmaments O Jupiter, your loom of pearl We lure the light into our line of sight O Jupiter, your moons and her A single line, a hand, a hand in mine O Jupiter, so soon the spur What comes from this? The bliss, the bliss, the bliss?
I want you to know that I saw you Sitting in the backseat, looking out across the fields I recognise the fragments that were forming Your face against her shoulder Inhaling that red sweater In the car on the way home from Inverloch Getting in the door well after midnight Laughter in the hallways, bodies falling into bed You felt every sensation of that summer The confidences kept Feelings swept under the mat For spring cleaning next year And I apologise for taking so long I'm sorry that I hid my eyes and held my tongue My heart’s an endless ache of old mistakes I can’t unplay But you shake your head “There’s nothing to forgive,” you say But I still want you to know that I saw you Lifting like an eagle and then sinking like a stone Stepping forward into the void alone Unable to foresee if you will hold the same beliefs When you finally touch down And I apologise for taking so long You know I was so unsure and so young My heart it bends and breaks with old mistakes I can’t unplay But you shake your head “There’s nothing to forgive,” you said


ALEX ST JOAN burst onto the scene with 2019's "Kick & Rise", a slow-motion explosion of colour and resonance that sounded as if it had been created in an underwater grotto with synthesised saxophones and a mellotron orchestra. Bold and tender, it explored what it meant to be an adult: full of aspirations, prone to mistakes and vulnerable.

Her new EP “If I Forgive” takes that vulnerability one step further and assumes the act of making mistake as its starting point. It is a four-song pop suite that sees failure as a beginning rather than an end, something uncomfortable to most people at the best of times. From first track to the last, Alex St Joan takes us on a journey through shame and regret, to recognition, revelation and ultimately release.

If “Kick & Rise” sounded like St Vincent and James Blake making music underwater, "If I Forgive" sees them emerging from the ocean and shooting up to the international space station, picking up Massive Attack's melancholy, Christine and the Queens' bravado, a church choir and a truckload of synths on the way. Musically, “If I Forgive” casts its net wide but recognisably so; there are distinctive nods to that Whitney Houston electric piano sound, whispers of Björk and her army of glitches, a hint of Everything But The Girl's mournful balladry, and half a dozen other early 90s pop references. The voice, however, is entirely Alex St Joan and entirely now – clear, present and compelling.

"I'm not really interested in truth, as such," explains Alex St Joan, "because everybody has their own. I'm far more interested in the stories we tell ourselves, and the way in which we then interpret certain experiences as mistakes or failures, simply because they deviate from those initial stories."

In “Born to be Gentle” she sings about the moment when the battle turns and it becomes clear that she has lost. Where once there were guns and flags flying, now only shame and failure remain. Fighting that shame only fuels it, and so the warrior must take off her armour to let her wounds heal.

In contrast, “O Jupiter” gently tilts our faces up and away from earthly woes towards the heavens for insight and encouragement. Inspired by recordings from NASA space missions, Alex St Joan uses space probe sounds, synths and celestial vocals to create an ode to the universe. “O Jupiter” is a love song, but of a different art; one that gazes in wonder up at the night sky and finds joy and freedom in how small and immaterial the cosmos reveals us to be.

"If I Forgive" is more than simply four songs bound together under the moniker of "EP". It is a discourse on forgiveness, in particular the difficult art of self-forgiveness, and a reminder to be gentle with ourselves, especially when we are at our lowest. As Alex St Joan reminds us, "Oh my stars! We love plain and simple... Oh my sun! We were born to be gentle..."


released October 2, 2020


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ALEX ST JOAN Berlin, Germany

ALEX ST JOAN is the multi-faceted creation of musician, producer and writer Alexia Peniguel. Born next to a flooded valley in drought-prone Australia and raised on Greek myths and disco, she has been based in Berlin since 2004.

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